No pretty lines to write today. Just the thoughts that incessantly flow even through the tiniest bit of neuron in my brain. No good things to blog about. Just this bloodcurdling scream coming from inside.
I should have gotten over this feeling a long time ago. [A feeling of being alone, vulnerable and unprotected.] I should have let go of whatever is not worthkeeping. Why can’t I?
I really don’t know what I’m dealing with. I’m completely baffled by my own thoughts. Is it just me? Am I just blinded by the beliefs I created that I fail to see there’s something more to life than this mess? Am I a prisoner of an unrealistic story? I don’t know…
For the past years, I’ve lived my life as if there’s nothing wrong. I made everyone believe that I’m just fine, that I can handle whatever situation is laid before me and that I am strong. I managed to hide the tear-stained face behind my smiles. I don’t know how I did. I just did.
Nobody really knows me. No one would even understand.
I am not really fond of telling stories about myself or my life. For those who know my story, have you really gotten to know the soul behind this body? I’m not quite sure. ‘coz as I’ve said, no one would ever understand.
I tried to erase every single detail of the situations that caused me pain. But as I do, the scars just turned into fresh wounds that irritate my nerve endings consequently causing enormous pain. The people who tried to help me ended up leaving me—alone. Perhaps they’ve saved me, but just for a while. Along with their disappearance is learning not to easily trust people anymore, not to believe in their lies and heart-felt promises.
There were times when I am daunted by my own heart. But then in this life, when situations turn cruel, next to God, I’ve got no one else to hold on to but myself. Yes, it’s sad when all you’ve got is your own hand to gather strength from. But that’s the only reliable source of strength you can cling on to when everyone else turn their backs.
*FUNNY. I was trying to find some peace of mind and what I’ve got is this rubbish sentiment. ®